Keep Away From Shiny Objects
by The Jedi Wizard Hobbit
Summary: I was told to write a satire for English Lit and this is what came out. Just a fun little parody. Hope you like it!


A/N: Well, this is the first time I've ever posted anything up here. I finally worked up the nerve. It's just a little satire, but I thought it might amuse a few people. Ah, the joys of having a great English class where you can do stuff like this. All right, enough of me - read and enjoy! Review if you like, I'd certainly appreciate it!

**Keep Away From Shiny Objects: A Lord of the Rings Mythological Satire**

****

Smodo Baggins should have been upset that his feet were big and furry, but he wasn't. After all, he was a perfectly happy hobblit in a perfectly happy land called the Shire (which actually simply means country, but none of the hobblits ever seemed to be bothered by their lack of creativity). He never really knew why he was such a happy spirit - he could only assume that it was part of his nature. Smodo did live a happy life. After his parents had died when he was very young, (a sad event that Smodo never seemed to think about at all) he had gone to live with his Uncle Bimbo, a very kind, senile hobblit, who had a taste for adventure. They lived together in a modest bachelor pad that they liked to call Bag End. 

At the moment, the entire Shire was gearing up for a great party. It was Bimbo's 111th birthday, and Smodo's coming of age birthday at thirty-three. All of Hobbliton was in an uproar preparing for, and awaiting, the festivities. One of Bimbo's oldest friends had showed up to provide the entertainment of fireworks later in the evening. He was a wizard, who went by the name of Kazoo the Gray. It had often bothered Smodo that the wizard's names didn't seem to go together very well, but he never told him that.

The night came and the party began. There was much food, and drink, (hobblits loved to drink) and dancing. Smodo was on his third pint of ale when someone grabbed him and pulled him behind one of the tents. It was Bimbo. He looked very drunk.

"Smodo, my lad," Bimbo slurred, "You're my favorite relative, doya know that?"

"Sure, Uncle Bimbo," Smodo responded cheerfully.

"I also wanted you to know that I'll be leaving soon, and you'll never see me again."

Smodo stared at Bimbo, clearly puzzled by what he'd just been told.

"I'm going to live with elves," he muttered matter-of-factly. "But before I go, I want to give you a piece of advice… Never… no, that's not it… Always…" He paused, looking over Smodo's shoulder dumbly.

"Yes, uncle?" Smodo prompted.

Bimbo blinked his eyes and shook his head. Then he cleared his throat. "Keep away from shiny objects!" he cried. He then settled back down and stared at the ground. "I'm going now. Oh, but before I go, I should give you this!" Bimbo reached into his pocket and dropped a shiny, gold ring into Smodo's hand before giggling like a devious schoolgirl, and running away into the woods.

Just after Bimbo had left, Smodo's best friend, Cramwise Gamgee snuck up behind him. "I saw that Mister Smodo," he sighed. "This is not gonna turn out good."

As if in answer to Cram's comment, Kazoo leapt out of the bushes, scaring the living daylights out of the two young hobblits. "Well, you've got the ring! Good lad, Smodo! Now, you two should be off!" He pulled out two gear packs, some warm clothing, and handed Cram a book. "This might come in handy," he mumbled to Cram. "Now, now no time to waste! You're going on a quest to Mount Calamity to destroy that ring before the evil Dark Lord Smellron finds it, and uses it to destroy the world!"

"Right now?" Smodo yelped.

"Of course, right now!"

"But why?" Smodo asked.

Kazoo looked thoughtful for a moment. Then he brightened and buoyantly replied, "Because we have to get through a whole trilogy in a few measly pages! Off you go, lads!" He gave them a great shove, and they were on their way.

As they continued walking the next day, Smodo noticed that Cram was completely engrossed in the book that Kazoo had given him. He was about to ask what it was when he was knocked to the ground by something. It turned out to be his two cousins, Berry Brandybuck and Zippin Took. "What are you two doing here?" Smodo inquired.

Berry cackled manically. "We've been eating mushrooms," he explained.

Smodo sighed. Hobblits loved mushrooms, in fact they were the favorite food of every hobblit. Many people accounted that as the reason why they were always happy.

"Where are you going?" Zippin asked.

"To Mount Calamity to destroy a ring so the Dark Lord doesn't take over the world," Smodo replied quickly.

"Ooo! Can we come?" Berry asked, while bouncing up and down on his toes.

Smodo didn't feel like getting into a whiny argument with him, so he simply said, "Um, sure."

As Berry and Zippin jumped for joy, Smodo heard Cram groan. He turned to look at him. "You just got us two Fools, Mister Smodo," he said despairingly.

Smodo's brow furrowed in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Cram held up the book that Kazoo had given him. On the front cover in silver letters was the title, How to Survive an Epic Myth. Cram opened up to a page that read 'The Hero' at the top. On the page was a lot of small print, and a few pictures including one of a young man wielding a sword that was made of a beam of light, and a boy with a lightening bolt engraved on his forehead. "You're the hero," Cram explained, "and Kazoo was your Wise Guide." He opened up to another page with 'Wise Guides' printed at the top. This page contained many pictures of old men with beards, robes, and funny hats. Cram flipped through a few more pages as he spoke, and rested on one that said 'The Fool'. "It says here that the Hero will always be accompanied by one or two fools. These fools will constantly get into trouble, but always mange to get out of it by amazing and unbelievable circumstances."

"Wait," Zippin chortled, "If we're the Fools, what does that make you?"

Cram puffed out his chest and tried to make himself taller. "The Sidekick," he stated proudly.

At this, everyone except Cram began to laugh heartily.

They continued on their journey and found themselves among the elves. They were in the land of Drivlingdell. There, Kazoo showed up once again.

"Good to see you!" he roared. "Now, it's time to form a fellowship, hurry it up!"

They all went to a big council, and the fellowship was formed. A man offered Smodo his sword, an elf offered his bow, and a dwarf offered his axe. Then a very uncomfortable looking man bashfully offered his shield, seeing as all the good weapons had been taken. Again, Cram groaned loudly. "What now?" Smodo growled.

"There are so many of us!" Cram wailed. "And it says in the book that one of the Hero's comrades always betrays him! How are we ever going to figure out which one it is when there are so many of us?"

The shield guy shifted uneasily and stared the ring, which now hung on a chain around Smodo's neck, but no one seemed to notice. Cram began to pout about the fact that the sword guy, who was supposed to be the King of Men, was also a Sidekick, and that it wasn't fair that Smodo got two Sidekicks.

Despite Cram's protesting, the nine companions set out for the dark land of Snordor, where Smellron and Mount Calamity resided. On their way, they were forced to go through some old dwarf mines, and there, Kazoo met his doom to a fiery demon with a whip. Everyone was sad, and more bad stuff continued to happen, ending with the shield guy trying to take the ring from Smodo. Smodo and Cram decided that they were getting sick of the whole crowd, and made up their minds to go to Snordor alone.

On their way to Snordor they ran into Golly. Smodo knew that the ring had once belonged the untrustworthy, disgusting, schizophrenic Golly, and that he would do anything to get it back. Smodo also pitied him, though, for he realized that he could've turned out like that too, if he'd had the ring for as many years as Golly had had it. So, when Golly told Smodo that he could get them into Snordor, Smodo wasn't sure what to do. He asked Cram for advice, and what the book said about it.

"Well, the book says that Hero's are usually very spiritual," Cram said. "Just go with your gut instinct."

"All right, then," Smodo declared, "Golly is our guide!"

Golly led them to a secret passage that he claimed would get them into Snordor unnoticed. This passage also happened to be the home of a huge spider, which attacked and nearly killed Smodo. Golly had been trying to get the ring back after all. Fortunately, Smodo didn't die, and he got reunited with Cram so they could finally take the ring to Mount Calamity. 

"You know," said Cram, "For someone who's supposed to be a mythological hero, you've got really poor gut instincts."

"Oh, shut up!" Smodo snapped. He could feel the ring bearing down on him. Throwing it into Mount Calamity would be very difficult.

They finally arrived at the mountain after a long journey with much complaining from Smodo. When they reached to top and Smodo was supposed to cast the ring into the fiery pits, he didn't. He claimed the ring for his own. Lucky for him, Golly had been following them and he took the ring from Smodo, biting off his finger in the process. As he danced with joy at getting the ring back, Golly accidentally fell into Mount Calamity and destroying both himself and the ring.

"See!" Smodo exclaimed, sticking his tongue out at Cram. "My gut instincts were right on!"

Smodo and Cram were reunited with the other members of the fellowship, and they had a big party while the sword guy got coroneted as the King of Men and married some hot elf chick.

After the party, Smodo sat with Cram, nursing his hand that was now missing a finger. He frowned. "My poor finger!" he cried dramatically. "If only I hadn't given into the power of the ring you would still be here!"

"And what did you learn from all this, Smodo?" asked Kazoo, suddenly springing up from behind a rock.

"You're alive!" Smodo exclaimed. "How is that possible?"

Kazoo shook his head. "Didn't you both read that book carefully? I'm the Wise Guide. I get comeback privileges. It's in my contract. I could've decided to communicate with you from beyond the grave, but that was just too 'hands off' for me." He suddenly became very solemn again. "Now, what did you learn?"

Smodo thought for a moment before saying meekly, "Keep away from shiny objects?" 

Kazoo glared at him. 

"Oh! And," Smodo turned to give a big, cheesy smile to his readers. "Always follow your destiny, kids!"

^*^

Hope you enjoyed! I certainly had fun writing it!


End file.
